The NBA season starts in earnest today and it couldn’t have gotten here at a better time. The weather in Dallas is suddenly miserable and the NFL has taken it upon themselves to ban defensive play. I need the NBA in my life now more than ever.

The NBA is the best sports league. It has the most charismatic athletes, the right balance of quantity of games and quality of games and the best Twitter experience out of all the sports. Also a refreshing lack of domestic abuse issues. I like talking about the NBA and I also love being dumb and hope for the “best” scenarios for how the season could end up. There will be no realistic predictions here but if at the end of the season things end up like this wouldn’t that be great?

Eastern Conference Standings:

1.Milwaukee Bucks

Just imagine if Giannis Antetokounmpo could have a MONSTER year, where he’s shooting threes and running the full length of the court in 2 steps and dunking so hard he creates a rip in the time-space continuum sucking the entire state of wisconsin into it and taking with it the electoral college votes thus stripping Trump of the presidency while at the same time wiping out the last season of That 70s Show from our collective memory….also Malcolm Brogdon could make a leap this year.

2.Toronto Raptors

The Raptors have the best team in terms of dudes whose names I like to pronounce. Pascal Siakam. OG Anunoby. Fred Van Vleet. Jonas Valanciunas. Serge Ibaka. All of these are good names. But the real reason they’re ranked so high is because people forgot what a monster Kawhi Leonard is. The only thing more unnerving than the man’s laugh is his ability to totally and completely take over games...and the size of his hands. Kawhi’s Leonard’s hands are so big he could potentially stick up his hands and the wind that would get caught in them would be enough to propel a cruise ship clear across the gulf of Mexico. The only thing that can stop him is if he signs with Reebok which he might.

3.Philadelphia 76ers

The 76ers are boring because they’re good and didn’t really do anything other than fire their Large Collared GM.The Sixers have two of the best young players in the world in Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons who should take a leap this year? but I still have no idea what’s going on with Markelle Fultz. No one does, it seems like he’s all better but preseason doesn’t count. The team’s bench however took a surprising hit and I don’t think a team can rest easy at night after they’ve released Ersan Ilyasova who I’m not entirely convinces is NOT a villain from a Bond movie. If Ben Simmons can make one three in the season they’ll jump to #1. I Do hope they release confetti after every game win or lose.

4.Boston Celtics

The worst thing about the Celtics is how much The Ringer dot com talks about the Celtics, the best thing about the Celtics is that they’re a very good basketball team. They have so many good players that they will have “Warriors Syndrome” and slack off in the regular season to the point where they will fall to the #4 seed. A couple of questions about the team...will Gordon Hayward continue to look like a cool Youth Pastor? Will Al Horford continue to look like a dude who brags about the mileage on his Subaru Impreza Sedan while at the same time being the greatest Latino basketball player of all time? Who’s gonna be more woke, Kyrie Irving or Jaylen Brown? This is a good team who is the closest to being “Warriors East” only with less dudes chewing on their mouthguards.

5.Miami Heat

TWO words my friends, Justise Winslow. This is the year where Justise Winslow becomes a super star, and by superstar I mean he dunks on Ben Simmons once….or something. If Hassan Whiteside can care for more than 33% of the season that could be exciting but if he cares for more than 75% of the season I’d rank them lower. Also Dwayne Wade is back and it’s his “last ride” so I’m hoping there’s alot of Revisionist History where he’s proclaimed a GENERATIONAL TALENT and Kobe Bryant gets so Angry he literally rips a jersey that’s hanging from the Staples center and comes out of retirement to play for one more season.

6.Indiana Pacers

The Pacers are the Indiana of the league. They’re perfectly adequate, you never really wanna see them play but when you do it’s an ok time but you don’t see yourself planning your time around them. THAT BEING SAID. Did you know Victor Oladipo can sing??!??!?!..... He’s gonna need to do something otherwise he’s gonna fall into Paul George territory where he’s the only dude who’s a game changer and that won’t work in the playoffs. Sabonis I guess is the big hope?

7.Detroit Pistons

Very few things this year would be as cool as the resurgence of Blake Griffin. Blake was the best athlete in the league for a minute and I remember SERIOUSLY thinking if he could at some point reach LeBron levels. The Clipper for Life has had a whole offseason where he’s been healthy for the first time in forever so I fully expect him to have a 50-40-90 year and be in the MVP conversation….I wish. Andre Drummond is also a good player despite his cheering for Joel Embiid on an NBATwitter promo vid. The biggest thing is that the Pistons have the reigning coach of the year Dwayne Casey at the helm this year and I’m hoping he goes on a scorched earth run against the East where he’s exacting his revenge in a Lady Stoneheart like fashion.

8.Brooklyn Nets

Why the hell not?

Western Conference Standings:

1.Golden State Warriors

Remember how I said there would be no realistic predictions in this thing? I tried really hard to not put the Warriors here. But there’s no way it’s kinda like how you can have any number of crazy dreams but the sun is still there in all of them? That’s the Warriors. They have 5 all-stars now. 5. The only thing that could derail the Warriors is a time-space continuum breaking dunk by one Giannis Antetokounmpo….which COULD happen.

2.Utah Jazz

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS. The whole west is about to get Jingle’d you friccin morons. Donovan Mitchell is the reigning rookie of the year ( I don’t care) and Rudy Gobert is the scariest long armed frenchman in the history of France add the aforementioned Joe Ingles who is the best scoring business analyst for a midwestern cold meats distributor and Ricky Rubio who is threateningly handsome and I don’t know if I wanna see this team play or take it out on a date. Maybe both.

3.Denver Nuggets

Nikola Jokic is the best big man in the game and I will not abide anyone who says otherwise. I’m not even joking here. The man is magical, literally. He’s got less muscle than me and breathes in more air through his mouth than I do and he’s out there scoring on Lebron James and driving the ball down the court throwing no look passes. This is the year when Nikola gets the credit he deserves. I fully expect him to score 50 in a game. Will Barton is also the best bench player on any team and Jamal Murray should have a big year. Plus altitude, you know...altitude. Legalize it.

4.OKC Thunder

Despite the fact the Russell Westbrook aka my Beloved Russy is out with an injury to start the season he’s still the most exciting player to watch. Plays with the fury of a monsoon and with the delicacy of tank. I love the man and every time I see him play I get irrationally excited. There will be a day when his bright fire is subsided to a glowing ember but it is not this day! THIS DAY WE AVERAGE A TRIPLE DOUBLE FOR A SEASON AND ARE CALLED DIFFICULT TO PLAY WITH BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER PLAYED SPORTS AT A HIGH LEVEL!...other than Russ Paul George is very good and Steven Adams is a cuddly Dothraki. I think Jerami Grant could be a great player and Nerlens Noel will eat hotdogs so that will be fun.

5.Houston Rockets

Carmelo Anthony is as delusional about his level of talent as I am about the Cincinnati Bengals, which is to say, he’ll get in a fight with his Wife when she says “Of course” to the Bengals losing to the Pittsburgh Steelers. What I mean to say is that ALL WE HAD TO DO was get pressure on Ben for ONE drive ONE drive and they couldn’t even do that! I mean what’s the point of having all these players and schemes if you’re not going to make ANY adjustments to face one of the best receivers in the NFL? WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO TO GET PAID TERYL AUSTIN….Ahem. Trevor Ariza is a good player that will be sorely missed, and James Harden won’t try as hard this year. Chris Paul is annoying.

6.Los Angeles Lakers

Let’s imagine for a moment that science advanced to a point where I could walk into a chamber and a copy of me would be created, an exact replica, down to the alarming addiction to hot cheetos. Let’s do that two more times. You could take those 4 Rod Nunez’s,with all their 12 hot cheeto dusted fingers dress em up in a Lakers Uniform and put them on the court with LeBron James and one of those would be an All-Star, another one would get a huge contract, the third would end up dating a Kardashian, and the last one would become some sort of morbidly obese Matthew Dellavedova-clone and they would all be in the playoffs. That’s how good LeBron is.

7.Los Angeles Clippers

There’s a sorcerer at the helm of the Clippers and that’s the only reason they even show up on here. Jerry West is a basketball mystic and he scares me. He shows up in my dreams to tell me I’m stupid and then he becomes the logo and floats away ephemerally. I think he’s doing the same thing to Steve Ballmer and that’s enough of a reason for them to be here.

8.San Antonio Spurs

The Spurs literally have no players. There’s 3 dudes on the team and one of them is incapable of even seeing the 3 point line. This is another case of a shaman being at the helm and me being scared of him. Pop is a jerk, but he is a wizard. The Spurs will make the playoffs in my mind until they don’t and even though this year looks like a possibility...I wouldn’t be surprised if they never miss the playoffs. Pop’s bloodpact with the basketball gods is unbroken. DeMar DeRozan is a cool guy.


There you have it, believe it or don't! Happy NBA season everyone!